sprint imminent 2013

A Letter from 4/18/13 in a sketchbook

"I won't lobby to finish the book before, it wants to be left alone as of yet.

This book arose because I needed a coping tactic. I began drawing 'Abstract Expressionism' because I knew I would have to feel the hurt sometime, and the longer I put it off, the more I needed my hands to stay busy.

So I crossed my eyes and let the patterns run. I stopped looking and set to work on compressing. I grew further inside myself, organizing the trauma in neat little boxes that were made to not spill anything. So stoic I didn't even have to crack a smile.

But then came deeper the blue and I could not shake the attention. I drew big heads and stared straight into my eyes, looking for nothing on purpose. I did not want to face that I had made a horrible mistake, choosing body over spirit (already my handwriting has begun to evolve...)

I write this in a blue pencil form. It's so much easier to declare the hurt as futile because others have suffered much deeper than I; at least I have a bed and people to love, even if they live far, far away. 

So 'we' stick our nose up, declaring we are perfect and the hurt can't touch because it lives in boxes with anti-leak. There is useless reason to boast weakness. But love as a cure to this, fills up and takes away the need for these boxes. The music is the finishing wire to pull me out when too deep because I ignore it 95% of the time when I am making.

It is an artificial save from myself."