Like Water

Anybody else pre-order an ebook a month in advance, just to take care of their future self? Wading through Lev Manovich’s latest book, Cultural Analytics, and thinking on the politics of art history. I was reading a novel by a poet with precise vocabulary, which really messed with my Arabic lessons. What does “غريب” mean on a granular level? I need to know the boundary, so I can smudge it or erase it. My bravery toward writing poetry in Arabic has only extended to the labels I make for my studio materials: غريب/weird fabric (yet to learn the word for fabric).

I dream about visiting eternal springs in the Californian desert. Packing and unpacking dirty laundry, making breakfast for forty with only my 6-cup French press and the slowly crazing cookware from my childhood. Sharing studio space with strangers (أستاذ غريب) and blind to what I am working on.

کریم‎ (Kerim)

Dreaming about folding endless piles of clean laundry while a thunderstorm destroys everything outside. Reading about how to read the same text more than once, peeling back layers of metaphor to create new meaning. Playing with scraps of paper and another’s sketchbook. Napping with one of three cats at any given time of the day. Knotting yardage and sewing it together for a greater purpose. Scratching at old scar tissue and medicating it with expensive products. Documenting the amount of water I am drinking every day.

I’ve learned how to read and speak at least 50 words in Arabic since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, both the Arabic script and English lettering. Lately, I find myself chanting the same word over and over to myself throughout the day.

کریم‎ /Kerim is Arabic for generous.

On Worth

The swell of fall seems to be taking all in its tide. Sprinting through hours and days, just to meet deadlines and maintain balance. Remember how to “let” ? I made a decision a few months ago that has changed a lot of things dramatically, but more importantly, it has changed my perspective on my own worth. I have dreams about my old self in high school, colliding with the person I am now, confused about making it to band practice and trying to boil water for my French press. I have dreams about screaming at a younger, more idealistic version of myself. I spend time weighing and judging and measuring opinions, trying to find a neutral equilibrium to step into.

Who are we to each other? And the most important advice I’ve heard: other people’s opinions are none of my business. Our day dreams should reign, not the balance of everything.

Necessary Rest

What does it mean for one to dream of a wrecked car being towed away? And the follow up: what does it mean when said person wakes to a fresh perspective? Hard anger leaves little room for improvement or perspective. It clouds everything out and perpetual movement forward does little to let. It is easy to believe there is nobody else. However, rest and good food and drinking water all lend to a healthy habit of letting. Stretching for a few minutes each morning couldn’t hurt.

Funny how “let” and the Arabic word for “no” sound so similar with my Midwestern accent.